Most people never stop to ask themselves WHY they clutter…they focus their attention on HOW to deal with it, WHEN will they have the time to start, WHO is to blame, or ‘WHERE can I stash this stuff before my in-laws arrive?!” Yet WHY may be the most insightful question, the one that can finally bring much-needed relief.
In the decade that I have been working with people to break through their clutter, I have come to realize that your surroundings are like a mini-biography, the tangible evidence of what you are trying to say, both consciously and unconsciously. As an example; if you’re the company CEO, then why don’t you have an office that reflects your authority? If your bedroom is overflowing with stuff, what are you telling your spouse? If your home office is stuffed high with boxes and miscellaneous junk, what are you saying to the world? If your front hallway is impassable, or your kitchen is a tornado-swept landscape, how can people get close? How can you truly nourish yourself and your family?
Until you stop rearranging your junk drawer, buying this latest self help book or that organizing bell and whistle, stop being the rock for everyone but yourself, until you start decluttering your thought process, the change you strive for simply will not happen. Your clutter has valuable wisdom trapped inside and it is literally shouting to be uncovered. Could it be time to listen?
Decluttering isn’t about redistributing your possessions so they fit better; it is about coming to terms with the issues lurking beneath your stuff. The good news is, once you fearlessly face your unexamined issues, clutter takes care of itself almost magically—it becomes a simple housekeeping issue. And this applies to paperwork, time, debt, overweight as well as stuff. One of my new phone coaching clients told me that after she confronted some of her issues in therapy, she was able to let go of 30 pounds she had been carrying around, without changing her diet.
The energy of the clutter that surrounds you---sticky, draining and stagnant—is actually suppressing your ability to acknowledge your deepest desires. Your priorities are what drive you to make decisions and get things done (or not done!), but once you start shining the light of awareness inside, you may be surprised to discover that most often, your priorities are not at all in alignment with your desires. This is what is most likely holding you back: you don't know what you want.
Have you ever even asked yourself what you want?
Here is what you can ask:
- How am I feeling? In western culture, we have no role models for gracefully allowing uncomfortable feelings. We suppress them, but they never really go away.
When you feel angry, sad, resentful, hurt, or lonely, go stamp your feet, really get that energy moving and connected to your body, then step outside in the fresh air and figure out one of two things: is it time to change the situation or is it time to change your attitude? Those are your two choices. PERIOD.
You don’t have to feel like a victim anymore. You can create forward motion just by asking yourself the right and fearless questions. STOP WHINING and GET HONEST. I mean it.
- What can I do that is within my control to change the situation? Remember, you can't change anyone else, the change has to be about the situation. Can you remove yourself from it--completely or partially? Can you delegate the parts of it that you don't enjoy to someone else, either paying someone, trading with someone who doesn't mind it or delegating it?
- What aspect of the situation did I create? This is where gut-level honesty really pays off. I have a client who yearns for intimacy, closeness, love and affection from her husband and yet she won't do something I suggested to her to do over 3 years ago: get the clutter out of the bedroom. The clutter really bothers her husband and she knows it, yet it remains.
Is she a bad person? NO! Is she a confused person? I don't think so. Is she an intentionally mean person? Nope. I believe in situations like this (and we have ALL been there in one way or another, maybe it's with your mom or your boss, or some authority figure that you
resent), it's about being afraid to be vulnerable and to let yourself have the very thing you are crying for: loving attention. Do you feel you deserve it? I bet not.
I have seen this again and again; we so deeply want to be seen, and yet we put up a smoke screen so thick that no one can get near us. We build fortresses of clutter---weight, debt, procrastination, stuff--- it's all the same---and then moan that no one is there for us, when it is really US who is not there for us!
*As I wrote those words, I am reminded of a simple and powerful book I read years ago called The Wall
. It's really worth the read. I came across it by accident when I was really hurting and it touched my heart.
- Am I hiding or healing? This was an excellent question posed by my friend Carol Chanel, a relationship coach who knows how to touch her client's deepest spirit with her gentleness and insight. When she asked that question in her newsletter today, I started thinking...
There are all kinds of creative ways to avoid feelings, some appropriate, some not, but if you start to ask yourself (gently) this simple question, the ability to choose will allow you to feel more comfortable in your skin. Am I hiding now or healing?
Sometimes, withdrawing and nurturing yourself is exactly what is needed, but if that contraction goes on for too long...it becomes disconnection and isolation and that can spiral into depression and chaos on many levels. Take good loving care of yourself, yes, but make sure you are not hiding from the world.
- What do I "get" out of accepting my life as tolerable, rather than joyous?
Sometimes, our idea of survival is playing the 'victim martyr'-- we give of ourselves to others so much that we have nothing left over but resentment and loneliness. We cover it up with smiles and a wave of the hand, but we grow weary and bitter inside.
We get a lot of attention from this role and we can play it out for years, sometimes a lifetime, feeding on the approval of others. But what we are gypping ourselves of is full participation in life and we are also depriving the world of the gifts we were blessed with at birth.
Victim/Martyr. It's an ugly role. We don't assume it consciously, we may even refuse to accept that is what we are living, as it would not fit our self-image. The ironic thing is, no one ever wins when we 'sacrifice' ourselves, even when we do it believing that we are giving of ourselves to others. Shake off the tyranny of martyrdom!
- What am I missing and is what I am doing worth it?
Recently, Daily Om (you gotta sign up for this!) said:
When we connect to our center, we access the fullness of who we are as an individual spirit. We also connect to the energy source of the universe, from which nothing can be lacking. It could be that we have been energetically starving ourselves but trying to feed the need physically, outwardly.
Many of us feel that way, deprived from the outside, when in reality, it's because we have not been attending to ourselves inside, and so we overspend, or overgive or overeat or disconnect in other ways. Even if you only take baby steps, becoming aware of what your own needs and wants are is movement in the right direction.
I can sense that I am needing to go to bed, so I will send you all a blessing from my heart....
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ ..·´ Jessica -:¦:-
