I've been thinking lately about the most insidious form of clutter...the one no one really thinks of as clutter, the one that tyrannizes us and holds us back like a powerful tether and can ultimately kill us, at least energetically. I am talking about people clutter.
For the last few months, a dear friend of mine has been closely involved with someone who is deeply emotionally disturbed. At first, when things started to go awry, my friend was able to find ways to justify and accept the odd behavior, even when to an outsider, it was apparent that these actions were clearly outrageous and often even dangerous.
The farther involved my friend became, the more he was able to tolerate the person's increasing madness and degenerating behavior. It was like there was this fog of denial that clouded his judgment and his ability to think clearly. He forgot himself, lost himself in the whirlwind of the other person's energy and it started to take it's toll on his other relationships, sleeping patterns and peace of mind. This is similar to what happens when people are involved with an alcoholic or drug addict---a different form of insanity.
In fact, at the same time, another friend has made the painful choice to sever ties with one of her closet friends because of horrifying decisions that friend has been making as a result of her alcohol abuse, such as driving while intoxicated with her kids in the car. 
On a personal level, just this week, I have made the decision to disengage from taking an active part in a situation where someone dear to me from my past was taken to jail for physically abusing his wife. photo courtesy of CNN
I realized that becoming involved with someone else's chaotic behavior under the guise of concern is more about my own addiction to excitement and danger than it is about helping or 'being there' for the other person. I have always been an adrenaline junkie and it used to be me that was the center of the drama. I guess it's an improvement that I am getting my 'high' from other people's tornado, but I am noticing that now, even that gets old fast. I value my serenity more than I need to be drawn to the flame. Does that make me boring? I don't think so, but back when I was a drama queen (no one in my current life can imagine me as that, but those who knew me then, are nodding their heads, I am sure) it really was like getting high to be the catalyst of BIG emotional sturm und drang. AND to pull as many people into the scene as I could. Victim and martyr were my favorite flavors and got me lots of attention. Looking back, I see of course that it wasn't the kind of attention that I wanted, but, hey, at least it was attention. The crises also temporarily satisfied an emotional craving in some weird way, distracting me for a moment from that bottomless pit of emptiness that I couldn't seem to fill on my own. I look back with compassion and sadness on that poor soul that I was and it makes my heart heavy for those I have mentioned that are in the grip of the running disease.
So now, I am hypersensitive to drama and crisis, especially when it involves someone that I love. The control-freak in me gets switched on full bore when I am close to someone who is pandering to their own addiction--- whether to drugs or other people or whatever--- and I become ugly and aggressive and...well, not the person I want to be. It's like my own addiction gets activated and I lose the ability to choose.
I learned a great thing about addiction: addiction is taking the easy way out...habitually relinquishing responsibility for yourself and your actions for your own pleasure in the moment. Isn't that what drugs/alcohol/food/shopping/sex/gambling/ do for you?
I wish I had a wise and brilliant answer to this, one that would spread around the internet and cause me to become a household name, but the truth of the matter is, in the cases above, my own "addiction" reared its ugly head---dang! just when I thought I had finally put that sucker to bed! ---until I found myself again, as fast as I could. Thank God for the people in my life that I can call and ask to call me on my stuff. THANK GOD. (this means you, Ella and Lisa!) and my deepest apologies to the loved ones in my life that I have hurt by my behavior. I DO care, but I was afraid: for you, for me, for the people in your life that love you and I felt helpless. I felt like I needed for you to hear me but you can't. You have your own path to take and I must honor that, even if I don't like it.
Years ago, I heard someone say, "we have no right to deny someone any of their pain. They need every bit of it on their journey to change". Wow. Sometimes, when I am making things easier for you, I am actually doing it for myself. I am playing God and that's not ok!
In many situations, especially when the scenario involves a loved one or family member, knowing when or how to show up for them (or not) is a tough call, and there is no "right answer". I guess what I am learning is that you can only really tell if helping someone is right or wrong is by checking in with yourself to see where the impulse comes from.
Where in your body do you feel the urge to act? Does it emanate from your heart or your solar plexus? From your head or your groin? Are you finding yourself in increasingly edgy or dangerous situations? Are you forgetting about the values and the priorities you live by in order to be with this person, under the guise of helping them? Do you feel the need to justify yourself to the people in your life, or are you making excuses for your friend that you know even you don't completely believe? Is it harder and harder to be alone so you can't hear your inner voice?
Issues like loyalty and concern, your own fear of abandonment and other projected emotions make the mix very complicated. This is tough stuff, people, because it's about other human beings, and the thought of reducing them to 'clutter' seems mercenary or cruel, but it's not about their intrinsic value, it's about you getting back on the path that you have set for yourself. All clutter, in any form, is a diversion from yourself and your life path. Think about it: debt, procrastination, a chaotic physical environment, overweight, any thing, anyone or any situation in your life that you cling to desperately, that clearly doesn't serve you, is clutter. Clutter drains rather than energizes you. That's how you know. Ask the hard question and listen to the answer.
What I have learned from watching these two friends struggle with letting go of their connection to a loved one who has thrown their hat in with madness is that when you care deeply for someone, it becomes difficult to access your own integrity for a while as you sort things out. After a while, you can get so far away from yourself that you forget who you are and you don't feel anymore. You disconnect from what is important, from what you value, you compromise yourself, you sell your integrity for dollars, for sex, for love, for the illusion of attention. IS IT WORTH IT?
IS IT WORTH IT?
Remember, I am on your team!
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ ..·´ Jessica -:¦:-
Essential Oils to support you:
For this situation of letting go of a loved one, I would recommend working with the essential oils called Release and Forgiveness. Forgiving yourself for forgetting who you are, as well as forgiving the other person, is the best way to go to find your peace of mind again. And Release essential oil is amazing when it comes to letting go, on not just the emotional, but the physical level as well.
Release™ combines uplifting, calming oils that stimulate a sense of peace and emotional well-being, which in turn facilitate the ability to release anger and frustration. Repressed negative emotions lie at the root of many health concerns. Release™ promotes harmony and balance in the mind and body.
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