I was just sitting here, trying to clear my brain enough to write something eloquent, when I got an email from one of my dear clients, Angela, from Pasadena, CA. She was staying up late, too (it's almost 11pm here in LA!) and really wanted to know:
Hi Jessica - I haven't figured out a way to help my boys stay organized. I organized their rooms with bins for them to put their stuff in, but it always ends up all over the house, and they can't find their stuff and I hate the clutter. Have you ever helped in this type of situation, a session with kids?
let me know...
Thanks :) Angela
Well, Angela, the answer is yes! Kids actually crave order, it turns out, as do cats (!). 
There is something deep inside them that responds to the harmony that happens when their lives are made simpler. Life these days is complicated enough.
Over the past two days, my clients have complained to me that their kid's rooms felt oppressive and cluttered. In both cases, they are caring, loving, attentive parents who only want the best for their kids...how come they can't seem to make it work?
I could tell you the handy-dandy ways to "get organized", which products to buy, what "techniques" to use to get them to do what you want, tell you how to make the rooms look like Martha Stewart just walked out the door, but the bottom line is, their clutter is telling you a story. Your job as a parent is to listen to their story and figure out what your kids are trying to tell you. It's harder to do, but the results are far more satisfying: kids that feel heard, you have a home in harmony and the bond between you and your loved ones is strengthened, rather than weakened by rebellion.
Kids love routines, although when you first implement them all of a sudden, they may get rebellious to test your limits. If you stay with it, firmly and gently, rather than making the routine just one more battleground, they will get the picture. NEWSFLASH: kids want you to 'win', that way they feel safe. They don't want to feel disrespected or pushed around, but if the request is reasonable, they will comply in the long run.
Here's an example of a simple routine: you may not take out another game or toy until you have put the other one back. PERIOD. No arguing, no wavering, no deals. We all live in this house together and we all need to take care of it.
***Recommended reading: the classic How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Still works!***
Here comes the hard part: we all do things for a reason. Ask yourself, what are you getting out of playing the role of victim/martyr parent? Ouch. That's a tough one. Notice what are you telling yourself about who you are and remember, your kids are watching your every move. The same gender kids are modeling your every move and the opposite gender kids are noting deeply that how you act is the way their partner "should" behave. Ask yourself again...is that what you want? Taking a look at yourself and your part in a situation is always more difficult than pointing the finger. I know.
Many people feel comforted in a strange way that by being the martyr for their family, they are taking care of their loved ones. Nothing could be farther from the truth. You need to put YOUR own oxygen mask on FIRST. That is rule #1. If you find yourself overwhelmed, resentful, crabby, yelling at your kids that they are not being responsible, that's the time to stop and be responsible to teach them how. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. That is your first responsibility.
Take a short walk, close the door to your room and cry for five minutes (ok, guys, bear with me here), scream into your pillow, take a bath, call a friend to come over while you drive around the block for half an hour to "chill". Do whatever it takes to nurture the nurturer. you can't give what you don't have.
Here are three more questions to consider:
1. Do your kids have too much stuff?
Sometimes, in our effort to please our kids, to keep them quiet, or to quell our anxiety about our own feeling of deprivation, we buy them toys, games, dolls...things. How long do they actually play with these items before they get bored? Have you ever noticed that kids who have too much stuff can't find anything to play with? In my experience, the best lesson you can teach a child is how to find wonder and amusement without the need for external consumption. Simplicity. Do they really need 20,000 Lego pieces (yes, I have had clients who have that much!), 
every Barbie item that comes out on the market? The latest Nintendo game? I love doing what FlyLady recommends: a weekly "27 Fling Boogie", where you run around the house and throw away 27 things! It's not only fun, but the kids love it and your house will, too. Kids who have too much tend to value what they have much less. When they know something new will come along as soon as they ask, what they have loses it's meaning. And meaning is what we all crave in our lives, that's what makes us feel passion and without passion, there is no motivation. That last sentence is worth re-reading. Think about it.
In Flylady's own words:
The 27-Fling Boogie
We do this assignment as fast as we can. Take a garbage bag and walk through your home and throw away 27 items. Do not stop until you have collected all 27 items. Then close the garbage bag and pitch it. DO NOT LOOK IN IT!!! Just do it.
Next, take an empty box and go through your home collecting 27 items to give away. Suze Orman taught me this in her book, The Courage to be Rich. This will change the energy in your home and bring about good feelings. Every time I do this I feel better and my home is becoming decluttered in the process. As soon as you finish filling the box, take it to the car. You are less tempted to rescue the items.
Rule of thumb: if you have two of any item and you only need one, get rid of the least desirable.
I also sing a wonderful song as I am doing this fun job: "Please Release Me, Let Me Go" as sung from the stuff's point of view.
What if simplicity is the opposite of deprivation and when we teach our children simple pleasures, all our lives become richer and richer? Taking your kids' unused toys to a local homeless shelter ---where there are frightened, lonely kids who really have nothing--- can be an important experience for kids who are old enough to understand. Paring down their overflowing toy chest and closets allows the energy to flow around what they do have and allows them the space to appreciate what stays behind. Fear of lack is not something any parent wants to pass on to their kids.
2. Are you paying enough attention to them?
We're all busy these days, no doubt, and when you have more than one kid, a job, volunteer work, your own friends, partner, the house to manage, it can get very overwhelming to pay attention to the kids, especially right around dinner time. The feeling of guilt is always there, but that feeling doesn't solve the problem, it makes it worse. What can you do?
Kids just love to be near you and to do what you are doing, what about letting them help you? If you make it a "chore", they will see it that way, too. If you make it a privilege, they will clamor to help you out.
Here's a great site for cooking with kids: Step-by-Step Recipes
If having them help cook doesn't work for you, what about setting up a play area near you wherever you are working? Just being near you is attention enough most of the time. You can watch them from the corner of your eye, participate from time to time in what they are doing without too much distraction and nip any inappropriate behaviour in the bud.
A small table, or even the floor can be a great place, and you can give them 5 or 10 minute clean up warnings before you are ready to move on to the next thing (bath, dinner, homework, bedtime, etc). A simple timer can work miracles because it is impartial. I love the one I got from Radio Shack:
| 10-Key Count Up/Count Down Timer |
When was the last time you played cards? If you've forgotten the rules, here's a great site: Card Game Rules. Check it out next time your kids get bored.
Go Outside! If you live in a city, try the park, play something fun like kickball: Outdoor Games
3. Are you expecting too much from them and yourself?
Sometimes when parents tell kids to 'clean up', the kids are not just being contrary, they are feeling overwhelmed by the request. Kind of like when the king told the girl to spin the roomful of straw into gold in the Fairy Tale Rumplestiltskin. It's that baffling! Rather than asking for help, they just ignore the request. You are better off being specific, saying something like, "dinner is almost ready, before we can sit down, I am setting the timer for 5 minutes and I need you to have all the legos picked up and put in the basket by the time the bell goes off."
The bottom line is, kids are messy. Your house will never look perfect and if it does, at what cost? The joy of having kids is that they remind us to play and not to take life so seriously, there will be plenty of time for that once they leave the nest.
A note to parents of teens: if your teen is a slob, I recommend laying down a simple rule: as long as there is no food or laundry more than 3 days old in their room, as long as they keep their door closed and all their "junk" in their room, not anywhere else in the house, they can keep their room however they want. If they break any part of the agreement, they go back to being on watch. Teen years are the time of learning about who you are as a person and we as parents might not want to micro-manage that journey too much. It's only a few years and it is best to choose your battles wisely. There are far more serious issues that your teen will need to face than keeping a room clean. You want them to see you as an ally, not as the enemy.
***Recommended Reading: Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? A great book for any parent of teens or pre-teens.
Let me know if this helps, it's easy to comment, just click on the word 'comment' below.
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ ..·´ Jessica -:¦:-
